spikess

Owl x

I think I finally cracked last night after staying in my bedroom, in my bed for 2-3 days eating very little.. The eating part has been going on for a few weeks now having my on and off days and I have been drinking a lot again . 

So this serge of a break down last night which I have been awaiting in anticipation finally whacked me in the face like a wet fish being dragged out of its home. 

I was going through this odd serge of creativity been making a website to stick my work on so I can some what have some link to show some potential employers my work, I have also started looking at projects going off locally which might give me a break into that creative paid world we all so much desire. Im meeting someone next week in fact I am quite excited about and really really hoping it will be what I am looking for. 

Right well that flicker of my outbursts last night, I decided I needed to get out the house before I turn into a recluse being socially awkward and not wanting to speak to anyone (I turned my phone off for 2 or 3 days at one point) when I turned my phone back on I was like right need to do this shit, so organised to go out the next day with someone, that plan failed but a friend came round for some advice which I think I did pretty well in doing such. Good deed for the day and all that shit! 

I had several invites to go places, So I went to a good friends of mine who lives up the road, besides Tequilla was offered. but then someone said a few trigger jokes which I kept it together, yeah there just joking right but still with my mind being fragile after 2 friends deaths this month i'm finding it a whole lot of finding old triggers creep up on me.

Id rather not state what they was but I thought they had gone, then some other triggers someone drove home pissed which reminded me of my friend who recently passed on, he used to do it all the time (Idiot) So I was angry and worried about that. Then more and more of other things enjoyed to creep up on me and then that shitty fucking crap realisation happened that those people was gone. 

Despite this I went home to shy from the abducting reality that my mental health is deteriorating again. Just when I was getting a nice pleasant taster of sanity again. So that wet fish being slapped in my face finally caused me to weep for those that I have lost, Its a difficult time regardless at the current moment anyways seems it be a year since Becky passed on next week, its all a little fucked up. I miss her so much I'm finding it difficult to even be able to put it into a package of words.

A friend wants me to goto a gig tonight but I don't think I will go. Social situations evidently of last night are risky when shoved with the wrong people. How do I know if I wont break down seems its given me a waving reminder last night.

I informed a select few people of just how bad my head has been the past few days but never explaining the extent, How can I, My friends doing worse than me and its my time to look after her so I am going to have to pull myself together stop being a fucking miserable self pitying cunt and act as if all is fine in the world. 

Realistically i'm dragging my feet too close to the floor finically like fuck me how can working make me so worse off that I cant offered to even goto the pub?! 

Rant over.

Owl x

I would like people who know a fair bit about writing such things to have input on them but finding this a difficult task to find anyone! 

Anyone spots this please take a peek and drop some comments Also some input of music to stick to it, how you read it in your head would also be beneficial, For the odd one I can recall how it sounds in my head but like a twit I did not/dont know how to write this down.

Kind Regards 

Owl

I am at a point now where a reminder has stricken me of how screwed up my head can get, Kept the lid on it for around 9 months? poss more. Turning so I can hit the bottle of booze is not a good idea but it helped. 

Who'd think that a Depressant, alcohol helps prevent/heal it. GAH? So I have issues of the male species a confusing creature that I am trying to hang onto and not have to cut off due for my own sake is still in my prospects. Thankfully he has found happiness else where, Something I don't feel I could of given him. It should make things easier due to how my head works but I will have to see on that development I have a feeling it will be for the best as I can/know how to deal with that (Thoughts of we can't do shit together cause hes got a bird is a lot less complex, without annoyance and frustration than we can't do shit because we want different things).

So I finally sign off tomorrow not sure how long for? But I will be signing off I am currently packing to go off to do some work which in tern will also make it so I can get my license paid for. Which I should be overly excited by but after the whip lash of everything I just kind of want to lock myself in my room, I will focus on this to try prevent my reclusive nature kicking in (Again).

I feel some what betrayed around people around me... trust issues, paranoia and anger has been giving me a fly by visit. I think I will get over it after I have been away for work for a few days... I hope. This all got set off because of someone saying I shouldn't of been/be so grievance as I am due to them knowing them longer? Possibly more? Not only this but having to hear it third had they can't even grow a pair to speak to me directly. It brought back my sorrows and did not help it was a Sunny day which always remind me of her coming to my house with a crate of strongbow, bollocking me for not picking up my phone. I knew the summer would be hard due to this and I would be fragile over this kind of set reminder of how I miss her so god dam much. 

The hallucinations have stopped though but I kind of miss them, I used to for a split second or two imagine the situation I was witnessing with her in it. What she would say which was along the lines of "Fuck um Owl, come on you don't need that shit let's go have fun" Or "I don't have time for people like that anymore, noir should you" As if she was sat there with me or in a chair on the other side of the room. I miss her spooning me too. Snorting in my ear and having to elbow her to shut her snoring up. Shes quite tall and me being quite short I fit perfectly in her body shape The joys of being short! 

I suppose I just need to have a mard for a while and vent on here till I have my act together. I would of known her for a year as of a few weeks. So I suppose I am not going to be "Ok" and a bit fragile.. Suppose I am just trying to excuse myself from flipping out who knows?. 

I managed to upset a friend too, One I really care about and has been nothing but good to me. I'm annoyed at myself for this. 

I am at a point now where a reminder has stricken me of how screwed up my head can get, Kept the lid on it for around 9 months? poss more. Turning so I can hit the bottle of booze is not a good idea but it helped. 

Who'd think that a Depressant, alcohol helps prevent/heal it. GAH? So I have issues of the male species a confusing creature that I am trying to hang onto and not have to cut off due for my own sake is still in my prospects. Thankfully he has found happiness else where, Something I don't feel I could of given him. It should make things easier due to how my head works but I will have to see on that development I have a feeling it will be for the best as I can/know how to deal with that (Thoughts of we can't do shit together cause hes got a bird is a lot less complex, without annoyance and frustration than we can't do shit because we want different things).

So I finally sign off tomorrow not sure how long for? But I will be signing off I am currently packing to go off to do some work which in tern will also make it so I can get my license paid for. Which I should be overly excited by but after the whip lash of everything I just kind of want to lock myself in my room, I will focus on this to try prevent my reclusive nature kicking in (Again).

I feel some what betrayed around people around me... trust issues, paranoia and anger has been giving me a fly by visit. I think I will get over it after I have been away for work for a few days... I hope. This all got set off because of someone saying I shouldn't of been/be so grievance as I am due to them knowing them longer? Possibly more? Not only this but having to hear it third had they can't even grow a pair to speak to me directly. It brought back my sorrows and did not help it was a Sunny day which always remind me of her coming to my house with a crate of strongbow, bollocking me for not picking up my phone. I knew the summer would be hard due to this and I would be fragile over this kind of set reminder of how I miss her so god dam much. 

The hallucinations have stopped though but I kind of miss them, I used to for a split second or two imagine the situation I was witnessing with her in it. What she would say which was along the lines of "Fuck um Owl, come on you don't need that shit let's go have fun" Or "I don't have time for people like that anymore, noir should you" As if she was sat there with me or in a chair on the other side of the room. I miss her spooning me too. Snorting in my ear and having to elbow her to shut her snoring up. Shes quite tall and me being quite short I fit perfectly in her body shape The joys of being short! 

I suppose I just need to have a mard for a while and vent on here till I have my act together. I would of known her for a year as of a few weeks. So I suppose I am not going to be "Ok" and a bit fragile.. Suppose I am just trying to excuse myself from flipping out who knows?. 

I managed to upset a friend too, One I really care about and has been nothing but good to me. I'm annoyed at myself for this.